Rainy morning

I'm a bit down after the weekend I've had. I'm just back from Zürich, I slept at Eriks this night. Friday I went to see my father as I hadn't see him for a while, and then had some friends at my place, where we drank far too much, and I wasn't event totally recovered from Wednesday night... It was terrible the morning after, and I promised to myself to be more reasonable. Erik was supposed to come on the evening, so I cleaned the place, made it tidy and comfortable, went to buy food for us, a (small) bottle of wine just for the taste, and as I had time left I went at Maria, my best friend, to watch Casino Royale. Around 4pm I texted Erik to know when he was coming, and get no answer. I went at my place before 7pm in order to prepare the meal, and was still waiting for his answer. Around 8 I texted again, asking if he was coming or not. No answer. I was really upset, and disappointed, and wondering what was going on.

Around 9 nobody was there, and Sarah called me asking what I was doing, I told her what was going on, an said she was alone in her flat in the same situation with her boyfriend. I asked if she had eaten already, she hadn't, so I invited her. She brought a bottle of wine, and we started to drink a bit. We ate, and around 10 I received a text from him "sorry, I was in Germany, maybe better if we meet tommorow, I could make a dinner :)" I was upset because he could have told me before going, so I would have know and wouldn't have bought the food etc. I didn't say anything because I really missed him, and told I would meet him the day after. We kept on drinking with Sarah, and eventually went to bed around 3am, drunk again...

At noon, on Sunday, he sent me a message to say he was going to see the Rhein falls, approxymately one hour from Zürich, and that he would come home before 8pm. I took the train, and was right on time, but he texted "sorry, I'm late, will tell you when I'm around Zürich." I was quite upset, I hate when people are late, and that was a bit too much. I went to a bar (and ordered my first non alcohlic beverage of the weekend). He finally came, and I went to his. I was right on time as a good swiss boy with a swiss watch. He let me in without kissing me or anything, and headed to the kitchen. And he was like "so, how was your weekend?" and I said "not that bad, except the fact that I kept waiting for you all the weekend" and he said he was sorry. He put the meal in the oven, and started to kiss me. We made out on the couch for one hour, and forget the food... It was really sweet, I had missed him so much. We stopped for a moment, and stayed in each other arms, looking at each other, smilling. It was the best time ever.

We ate the slightly burnt food, and then he switched off the lights, and we started to make out again on his bed. It was so good, and I was so happy, enthusiastic, passionate and all, and he was so sweet to me, I was on another planet. I took his shirt off, and so did he, and the jeans, etc... and started hotter things. I started to blow him, but he wasn't doing well at all, he was really bugged by something, and after he came (and it was really difficult), and I wanted him to reciprocate, he just said "I don't know..." and I said that it was no problem. He was really preoccupied, and I took him in my arms, and asked what was wrong. "nothing" But it was obviously not true, and I really wanted him to explain what was wrong with him. He sighed, and said "you know, I'm not sure of anything. So many things happens, with you, with my life..." And we begun to talk seriously, wich we had never really done before. He said that he had been in relationships with girls, and that he had never been with a guy, and that he was not sure if he was really gay, and was not sure about us, and how it is going. When he said that, I almost began to cry, because I thought that it was going so well, and that I really care about him, and I really want to be with him. I said that it was ok, that I wasn't asking for anything, that I wanted him to find his way and to be happy, but that I really cared about him, and wanted him to be honest with me, to talk, and that I was and would be here to talk with him. He never told anyone obout his feeling for guys, and he said he was really alone with that, and I said that I would be here to listen to him if he wanted.

He took me in his arms, and we slept the whole night like that. I woke up at a time, and couldn't sleep anymore. I wanted to take all the time of this night, and never wanted it to end, because I knew that the morning could be the end of something. I was so affraid to hear the alarm clock ring, and I was holding back my tears. He woke up before the alarm clock, and we held each other, sometimes kissing very softly. I murmured to him that I just wanted him to be happy. We were looking at each other, and he pressed me against his chest, took my hand and we stayed like that for a moment. The alarm clock started to ring, and after a while he woke up, prepared a breakfast. He was late, and we jumped in the lift, and all of a sudden, in the street, he just said "ok, I'm crossing here" and left, without a hug or anything. He looked at me from the other side and said "keep in touch". I went to take my bus, and now I'm here. I went to the lesson but was so absent minded that I couldn't catch a sentence. I'm really sad, I don't want him to go like that. I'm hoping for the best but seing the things as they are, it doesn't look really good. It's strange because he can be the sweetest guy ever, and suddenly change into somebody not showing any emotions. I suppose he has to find himself before we can go any further.