Done

I did it, I came out to my father. It was one of the most scaring things of my life. While I was walking to his place, I was feeling really bad, my stomach was upside down, and I was thinking all the time about how I should say it.

We had a normal dinner, and I waited untill his wife went to watch tv, because I wanted to be alone with him. Finally, I brought the subject of my sister and her boyfriend, thinking he would ask about me. It failed. Then I brought the subject of a gay cousin, living in France, and he started to say how he couldn't understand how one can be gay, about how all the gays have the same educational background and history (aka overprotective mum and absent father) etc... not very encouraging.

I told him that it was certainly something hard to understand for someone who like women, but that all the gays are not necessarilly the same, that all of them are different, and that there was a huge gap between a general theory and an individual situation.

Finally, he asked about my lovelife.

me: - it's complicated...

him: - why? do you have more than one girlfriend?

me: - no... I only have one person in my life, but it's complicated...

him: - why? who is it? what is the problem?

I was really hesitating, but I knew it was too late to turn back

him: come on, tell me, I'm sure I know who it is, tell me!

me: - the thing is... it's not a girl, it's a boy...

He looked at me, said nothing, was looking resigned, but shaken and sad. Nevertheless, even though he said that he couldn't understand, he said that he had no problem with it, that he had been having doubts about it for a long time, and that he loved me from all his heart.

I felt relieved in a way, but also guilty, for I put an end to many of his dreams, like have grandchildren. I know it is very hard for him, but he doesn't want to tell me. I could read it in his eyes, and it made me very sad, even though it is not my fault. I know he will finally deal with it, but it will take time.

I told him I had been going out with Raphaël for a year and a half, and said he was a great guy (he brought him at my father's for a dinner lately), and that as long as I was happy with it he had absolutely no problem.

After that, I couldn't sleep, but now I feel much better. He's now gone for the holidays, but he will come back in January, and I hope he will be glad to have dinner in our new home, with Raphaël.

This is it

Hey guys.

It's been a while since my last post. A lot happened, since then.

The good thing is that I'm still with my boyfriend. Everything still works very fine, we always manage to find a way to get through the difficulties, and are happy the rest of the time. We are going to move in together in just two weeks. I went to get the keys of our appartement today. We're both looking forward, even though there are some tensions and fears here or there. I really hope that this is gonna work well. He's been living in my flat for the last year, and it works well, I hope that it won't change.

The bad thing is that in a year and a half, I still haven't find the courage to tell my parents. I told most of my close friends, my sister, but not the rest of the family. My father is leaving for the Christmas holidays in his new wife country, and when he will be back, we will already have moved in. That's the reason why I decided to try to tell him today.

I'm terrified... I know he's my father and will love me no matter what, but I also know that he's sure I'm dating a girl, and really wants me to have kids etc. It will just destroy what he has imagine untill then. It's partly my fault, but I didn't know how to do to tell him.

My father and his wife are very ambivalent about gays. They happened to have gay friends, that even had a child, whose godfather happened to be my very own father. He never had any problem with that. But sometimes he says very negative things about the gays, and I have absolutely no idea of how he will deal with that piece of news. Hopefully well.

I'm just seeking some support here, because I'm gonna need a lot of courage.

How stupid is all that... Why the hell do we need a coming out?