I hate winter break, and that for several reasons. The first one is because it is never really a break because there is exams here or there during this period, and that's why it's not called vacation but "lessons interruption" in the academic vocabulary.
The second one is because I always get sick just at the end of the exams, like flu or anything this kind. This year is even better because it happens just before the last one... I have been in bed for the last two days, with a lot of fever, headache, and I'm so tired that I sleep all the time. I couldn't work so I'm awfully late in my program :S I live alone in my flat, and nobody is there to help me when I'm sick, and being alone all the day long is really boring. Moreover, when I've got some fever, I get completely delirious, it's terrible. During the night I have horrible nightmares, and during the day I can't do nothing because my mind in totally uncontrolable. I'm a bit better now that the fever has gone. At least I can work a bit, and read.
Winterbreak is also the only period in the year where I feel really bad, like depressive and anxious. I think it is related with the lack of light, I'm really sensitive to that, and if you add the fact that I'm a bit lonely as everybody has exams and works or is skiing, that's all I need to feel a bit down. Each year it starts the same, and I know exactly how it works, but still, I have the same feelings, the same anxietey crisis, and everything. This is how it works:
I worry for my exams, but even if I know that I should concentrate myself on them, I plan to change something in my flat. Three years ago, I painted my room in yellow, two years ago I painted the kitchen, one year ago I painted the living room in white and bought a new sofa, and this year I want my room back to white and change some furniture... I'm sure I don't really need it, but suddenly, I feel like I can't live like that anymore and that I need to do it. So I can't sleep because I try to visualise where I could put this or that, what should I do with this old armchair, should I throw this or that away... and that is the worst part, because before begining to paint I have to make some order, and throw away some things, and I can't! I keep everything, every train ticket, every interesting newspaper article, every keychain I get for free and I will never use etc. I begin to try to throw away some things, and it leads to major anxiety crisis. I wish I had someone who cared for that at my place. When I was living at my mother, she was throwing away things for me, I was hating her for a few days after that, but if she hadn't done that, it would be even worse now.
I have a cellar wher I put things, but it's so full I can't open the door anymore. I have to do something, but I know that it will be terrible! Last year I threw away about 2 cubic meters of paper and crap, but after having thrown them in the container, I took me one week to recover, I couldn't sleep during the night, and I was so anxious to have thrown something that could be useful in the future... such irrational fears! I went to the theater last year to see a swiss film about a woman that had a mental disease, and was a bit like me but to a much more serious extent. However, it really scared me, I hope I wont be like her and fill my flat from the bottom to the top with so much crap that I can't move anymore.
Well, after that I begin to worry about my future, I loose all my self confidence and think I won't find a job and maybe I'm choosing the wrong way. The problem is I always wanted to be a pilot, but never had the guts to try to become one, I mean, a professional one (as I already have my private licence). It's a risky investment because the formation is really expensive and you are never sure to get a job at the end, and if you don't, you loose your licence in a rather short amount of time. I know however that I love what I do now, and I really want to become a lawyer, but I'm affraid of making the wrong choice and to regret it later. Stan (my best friend) wants me to begin pilot school next year with him, and I don't know what to do. I would love to do it but I have no idea of how I could afford that, nor if I even have the capabilities of being a professional pilot. And on the other hand, if Stan succeed the school, I don't know if I could bear to see him climbing his jumbo-jet everyday. I think that to see him doing what I never dared to do would be throwing a knife in my heart. In my head, the best would be him succeeding his economic studies, and on the same time failing the entry tests at the flying school, so the question would never be put on the table anymore. I'm such a horrible friend. Or such a horrible coward, I don't know.
It's each year the same, and I know that it will end, but it's really a terrible period for me, and I'm looking forward to begin the next semester in february... I hate being so anxious, it eats my from the inside... But I have no idea what to do to make it better.
12 comments:
I know what you mean about keeping things. I'm the same way. In English we call someone who never throws things away a "packrat."
Maybe you should hire your mother to come to your flat every week (or every month, if that's all you can afford) and throw things away for you. lol
The only time I was able to throw a lot away was when we were about to move to my present house, about 14 years ago. A cousin helped me clean out the cellar. Most of what we threw away was junk mail, but even that was a big help. Now, with 14 years' worth of clutter here, I know I need to start getting rid of lots of paper, but I just can't seem to do it. And of course now there is so much that it seems overwhelming just to think about the effort it will take.
I hope you can fund a way to handle the problem before it becomes impossible.
Charlie, man, that's some pretty bad anxiety. It's beyond pack-rat status. Maybe just talking to a therapist about it? Can you afford that? Maybe getting a friend to help you clean, to decide what you really do and do not need? Something, please!
I know how that feels, to be alone and sick. :( I wish I could be there to help take care of you, man. No one should have to be alone while they're that ill. It's like you have to take care of your life while at the same time being completely unable to do so. When I was really sick this weekend I kept telling my housemates that I wanted my mom to be there with me. :]
Yes, I could afford it as it is free in this country :) aaaah, social insurances, so good! but you know, I was born in the psychiatric world, my father works in a psychiatric hospital, and my mother is child psychologist, and several people around us are working in this domain. I worked myself at a psychiatric hospital in the region, and I saw how it work from the inside. Maybe it's stupid, but when I saw that, and considering my life surrounded by therapists, I can't trust any of them anymore...
I prefer to cure myself as I can, by seing some friends, my sister, and if I get really anxious drink a good amount of bourbon. I know that I get better when spring comes and I made a bit of order. It just take some time during wich I need some people to be around. But one day or another I will have to find someone to help me with that, before it goes too far. The main problem is that nobody knows it because I hide it in the cellar, or in my cupboards, or under the roof, and everybody thinks I'm ordered... I should tell someone, make my pack-rat coming-out :)
No, don't worry, I completely understand. In the case of some therapists, I know have more education than they do...which just makes me feel weird to be there. XD I think, though, that the point is that you find someone you can talk to about your issues, and if it's a friend sometimes that's even better because a friend can hold you accountable. Just, if it gets really bad, you might need medication...then you'll probably need to see a doctor.
I prefer to think that I am curing myself. I'm the one with the damaged brain, not the therapist. Really, any change has to come from the inside. Anyways, I always end up analyzing the therapist rather than myself. :P But sometimes, a good therapist can help shorten the road to becoming better, suggest more effective means for a cure. But of course in the end any action will have to come from you.
Yeah, I have to find a way to separate my life with the objects. I have a very special relation with the objects. They are my history. I have a box that I call my archive box (about 3 cubic meters at the far end of my cellar, in fact, several boxes), where I put a lot of papers and crap. I tried to make somer order in it, but I couldn't throw away anything, for the simple reason that by seing all this crap, I could for each single little piece of paper or old chewing gum stick a souvenir to it, It was like a time machine, I could go as far as when I was 5 years old, almost month by month, and I found back some souvenirs of my life that otherwise would have been forgotten forever. Thats mainly why I can't throw up anything, because if I don't have this stuff, I don't remember my past... crazy isn't it? When I throw up a but ticket, I throw up a part of my life... It must be something really deep inside me...
hum... sorry, I wanted to say throw away... I do not throw up papers and old chewing gums :P
I understand your feeling about keeping things because they are your past. I feel the same way about a lot of things. I am trying to tell myself that my past is real even if I don't have the object that is connected to a certain event. But so far, it hasn't helped much.
Even worse, though, is the stacks of mail that come in and I set aside to deal with later. But I never get around to dealing with them, so they just keep piling up.
Woah, take a step back and just breathe. I get kind of like this too, except I'm the opposite - I try to throw things away and tidy up. Sometimes I stop half-way and everything becomes super cluttered for a bit.
If flying is your passion, you should pursue that first with Stan and see what happens. Becoming a lawyer will always be there. Becoming a pilot is something more special than becoming a lawyer or doctor, in my opinion.
When you're anxious, maybe invite a friend over who you know is usually calm and collected, so he/she can tell you to stop worrying so much.
Best of luck with everything!
Andy Warhol had a habit of keeping everything, papers, bills, presents people gave him, just anything, and kept them in big card boxes called "Time Capsules" ( some of those can be seen in Andy's Museum in Pittsburgh )... keeping everything can be seen also as a way to create a memory of a time, a form of a Diary...its just a question of space ! lol !
you are a worrier, worriers go far in life because they understand that life is a constant competition..you got what it takes to succeed, whatever it may be...
take good care of yourself,remember, little Swiss Bears like you and me, hibernate in the winter, so pamper yourself and sleep a lot...kisses from Xico
NaturGesetz: yes, the past would be real even without the objects, but for me it would disapear! At least I have no problem to deal with my mail, cuique suum! :)
Aek: The problem is that it's not so easy... I'm almost finished with the fist part of my studies and will get a paper, but with this one I cannot find anyjob, the only use is to get through the next round. On the contrary, Stan will get another paper in economics, in if he gets it, he can start to work at anytime. So, if we both begin the pilot school, and we fail, he can get a job and not worry, if I fail, I will be ruined and without any job opportunities... It's such a big risk that I'm not sure that I want to take it, that's why it is such a dilemma!
Xico: aha! so if I get as well known as Warhol, I will be able to make a fortune with my "archive box"! Well, I have to find some place then... considering that I need two rooms every 20 years, I will need about 6 others in my life at least... If only I could rent one of these useless atomic shelters :)
Wow, that certainly puts a wrinkle into your plans. Is it possible for you to delay pilot school for just one more year, so you're more secure with a backup plan? Granted you won't be entering at the same time as Stan, but you'll only be a year or two behind him at most.
Sometimes we can't get what we want right away. I couldn't get into med school this year, but got in for next year. So my backup was to do grad school in case I didn't make it into med school at all, but I did (so it's all okay now :D). Waiting just one more year isn't so bad . . .
It's not really possible, as to secure my future, I have to finish all my five years of university at least, so that means two years more, if I succeed this one. So... I think I will become reasonable in a few weeks...
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