Never give up!

Before telling you how it went with my friend, I just have to tell you about my sister. She just called me a moment before because she's not well at all, she has trouble at work and it's taking her down. But! She also told me about her boyfriend, and... (it's sad for both of them and I shouldn't be that happy) she said he was a total jerk and didn't care about her problems at all, and was getting wasted every evenings at a friend of his so she doesn't want him to come over at her. I hope it's the beginning of the end! It not the first time that she say that and change her mind a few days after though. But the hope is still there!

So, back to my friend. She called around noon and said "I'll be there in 15 minutes". She came, and she offered me some chocolate candies. It didn't make any sense to me because it was like I was rewarded for something, or recovering of a long illness, but it was kind of her anyway, and chocolate is chocolate ;) So, we went to the kitchen, sat in front of each other, I made coffee, and said "so, how are you?" and she said "well, I won't lie to you, I did not sleep this night, I was thinking about what you told me and still can't believe it. But at least I stopped crying."  I said again that it was true, and she said "but how can I see it?!" and I said "what do you want me to do? it's not written on my forehead for fuck's sake!! I'm what I am and you can't do anything other than believe me!" I was a bit irritated, and she said she was sorry and all. So we were sitting without anything else to say, and I brought a random subject on the table to get the things less awkward, and to make her understand that it didn't change anything.

She left because I said I had to work, and just an hour ago texted me: "I'm sorry but I'm completely upside down, I can't imagine you with a boyfriend, but I'll have to manage with it. You will have to answer all my questions :D But I think you say you're gay only because you think that no girl finds you attractive, but there was this girl that tried to rape you, and I find you very handsome! It's so not you to be gay!" And I answered by e-mail, writting that first of all I did not intend nor wanted to answer all her questions, because I didn't want to justify everything I had done or said, and that it was not that at all, and explained all the stuff. I really hope that she get the message now, because this starts to put me on the edge. I know what I am and I don't want to prove it!! Maybe she was deeply in love with me and I just destroyed all her dreams yesterday, I don't know, but she will have to deal with it... I thought it would be the person that would take it in the easier way, I was totally wrong. It's weird when some people that you know so well react so much differently that what was expected.

The shortest jokes are the best

I just had a conversation on MSN with my second best friend. I went to eat at her yesterday, and she offered me a funny thing. She went to a sex-shop (to buy god knows what... I was a bit surprised because she's not at all the kind of girl I would expect to see coming out of a sex-shop...) and found something for me: It's a breath spray supposed to give you an irresistible "instant swedish accent" :D

So, we were joking about that, and I said that it would maybe help me to find someone. And she said she couldn't understand why I hadn't found anyone lately, even without that because I had a lot of "potential". I said that apparently my potential had no effect on anyone, but that I had no idea why, and she said that it was because I was a lot too narcissic to see that some people were interested in me. I was thinking "do I tell her now, do I wait longer..." and I thought it was time to come out to her. She's the girl that knows a lot of gay guys and she could be well useful :) So I told her that I wouldn't find any girl that suits me, because I was not looking for a girl, but for a guy. She took it as a joke and said "don't be discouraged, you will find a nice girl very soon, and anyways if we are still both single at 35 we will mary together!" We chatted during 20 minutes during with I had to explain that it was actually not a joke! and she was like "no way, it's not funny, you're stupid to do that and play with my feelings, you're not, bla bla bla..." I explained the whole thing and still she didn't want to understand. So I had to swear many times, and then she became a bit agressive, like "even if it were true, you could at least have told me in front of me, I'm a bit angry at you" etc. Well... I didn't know what more to tell her to make her realise that it was true, but after ten more minutes, she became reasonable about it and said "ok, I'm coming at your home" and all I wanted, and still want now is to sleep (it's been 20 minutes since I began this post, but wathever :)

I told her that she could come tomorrow, and she said "are you just gonna dump me this night alone with this piece of news? I'm crying at the moment, and I'm completely lost... and it will change your life and it's so many things and and and..." I really didn't expect that, his best friend is gay, I thought she would be a bit surprised but not shaken at this point! I hope she will be able to pull herself together before tomorrow, or I will be really ill at ease to have her here crying and making some crisis about that!

But it's a good thing that she also knows now. So, good night everyone!

The trip

My sister is back from a three weeks trip around Sweden with her boyfriend. I told you before that I don't like him because he's very selfish, had a lot of drugs problems, and is nothing but a jerk with my sister, especially when he is with his friends etc... I was hoping that during these three weeks they would have some arguments and break up, because they always have arguments when they are more than a few hours together. I was disappointed to hear from my sister that it was not the case at all, the trip went very well and they had an awesome time together apparently. But that's not the worse!

I almost fell from my chair when I heard that. She kept asking me about apartments. She lives by herself in a small flat, a cheap one although it is very nice, because it's situated in the red light district. you see strange things and people there sometimes, but anyways... She asked me if I knew someone who was letting a flat at a reasonable price, with a garden. I said "maybe, but you know, a flat with a garden is usually not a studio, they are generally bigger apartments, it will be hard to pay it alone with your salary." and she said "yeah, I know, but you know, after this trip, I thought that I could live together with Sven (her boyfriend), we thought it could be nice as we are doing well together". Two month ago she said he was a bastard and she would never see him again, and then he's the man she wants to live with. I can't say anything because if I try to make her realise that her boyfriend is a jerk she gets mad against me... I hope that she will tell my father about that, he has more influence on her, and that he will try to avoid this fiasco!

Maria is coming tommorow for lunch, it'll be the first time I see her since I send the letter. I'm looking forward to hear some comments from her. She's still the only one to know. I couldn't find any occasion to tell my other friends. I also want to go out with them and meet some guys, but I have no time to do it. Maybe I should take one or two evenings off to change my mind, my head is full of things I read and it seems that nothing more can enter. I even dream of it during the night (among other things :P) and it drives me crazy... Yeah, I definitely need to go out this weekend!

Facebook

I found this video on youtube and I find it hilarious! To all that are facebook-addicted ;)

Feedback

The letter was in Maria's mailbox at noon, as planned, and I was a bit nervous around this time, I knew she would take it and read it immediatly because she would recognise my writing on the envelope. So I was waiting in my kitchen, thinking about her reading it, and wondering how she would answer, would she write me back? or call me? what would I say, etc... Finally, she answered by texting me, she just wrote: "Charlie, thanks for your letter, but let me tell you something: whatever you would be or do, it would never change anything between us! I'm really glad you told me. Kisses"

I was relieved, I was so happy to have sent that letter! Now she knows it and it gave me the confidence to tell other friends (I haven't done it yet but I will soon). I didn't dare to call her just after though, I also knew she was with his boyfriend so that she wouldn't speak on the phone in front of him etc. But we will meet us next week and we will certainly talk about it.

It is just a problem with my other friends, they all know each other, and lot of them have parents that are meeting my parents every week or so, and I know that if I tell one of them it will automatically come to the ears of my sister at first, and at my parents finally. I will already be uncomfortable with my siter, because although she will certainly be ok about it I know that it will be a great shock for both of us, but I really don't want my parents to know it, because I know it would be a drama and they would cry, be desparate, it will be heard up till Sweden, and my father and his wife would try to "change me" as they did with Frank, and everything... and I really don't want anything of this to happen. So I guess it will be a pretty technical challenge for me, to deal with all these parameters. I never told anything to my parents about my love life, I think it's much better to have a clear separation, because my father has no limit and noses around and is very intrusive, and I hate to have people nosing in my private life. Well, we'll see how it happens...

The next stupid idea

Here we are, the letter is in the mailbox, it's nothing I can do to take it back this time! I'm really tense now, and will be untill Maria says anything. This was the next stupid idea! I'm thinking of that all the time and can't concentrate anymore on my work... Anyway, this had to be done. And then, I guess, it will be easier to tell my other friends.

I'm gonna have a few beers and it will be better!

The letter

It's been weeks now that I'm thinking of telling my friends that I'm gay. But I always find an excuse not to, because I'm affraid of this step, because it's a step you can't take backward afterwards. It will change my life. I try to plan everything, to think about all the consequences, but it would be better to dive in the water and see what happens, you can't plan everything in life.

I know that during all the time I'm still in the closet I can't do anything because there will always be someone in my way. I want to tell my best friend Maria first, because she's always the first to know everything about me, she's one of the most precious person I have. I think that she knows something as she tries to make me speak, but I can't. It's never the right moment, the right place, or anything else, and I always retract at the last moment. So this night I was dreaming about it, and I decided this morning to write her a letter. It's much easier for me, and I can organize my thoughts much better. When I have to tell something important, or very personnal, I can't tell it correctly, my thoughts are mixed up and it seems to me that my head is suddenly completely empty. So I put everything on a sheet and now it's ready to be sent. I'm going to the post office in one hour. She will normally receive it tommorow, let's see how the things will turn out...