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The letter was in Maria's mailbox at noon, as planned, and I was a bit nervous around this time, I knew she would take it and read it immediatly because she would recognise my writing on the envelope. So I was waiting in my kitchen, thinking about her reading it, and wondering how she would answer, would she write me back? or call me? what would I say, etc... Finally, she answered by texting me, she just wrote: "Charlie, thanks for your letter, but let me tell you something: whatever you would be or do, it would never change anything between us! I'm really glad you told me. Kisses"

I was relieved, I was so happy to have sent that letter! Now she knows it and it gave me the confidence to tell other friends (I haven't done it yet but I will soon). I didn't dare to call her just after though, I also knew she was with his boyfriend so that she wouldn't speak on the phone in front of him etc. But we will meet us next week and we will certainly talk about it.

It is just a problem with my other friends, they all know each other, and lot of them have parents that are meeting my parents every week or so, and I know that if I tell one of them it will automatically come to the ears of my sister at first, and at my parents finally. I will already be uncomfortable with my siter, because although she will certainly be ok about it I know that it will be a great shock for both of us, but I really don't want my parents to know it, because I know it would be a drama and they would cry, be desparate, it will be heard up till Sweden, and my father and his wife would try to "change me" as they did with Frank, and everything... and I really don't want anything of this to happen. So I guess it will be a pretty technical challenge for me, to deal with all these parameters. I never told anything to my parents about my love life, I think it's much better to have a clear separation, because my father has no limit and noses around and is very intrusive, and I hate to have people nosing in my private life. Well, we'll see how it happens...

The next stupid idea

Here we are, the letter is in the mailbox, it's nothing I can do to take it back this time! I'm really tense now, and will be untill Maria says anything. This was the next stupid idea! I'm thinking of that all the time and can't concentrate anymore on my work... Anyway, this had to be done. And then, I guess, it will be easier to tell my other friends.

I'm gonna have a few beers and it will be better!

The letter

It's been weeks now that I'm thinking of telling my friends that I'm gay. But I always find an excuse not to, because I'm affraid of this step, because it's a step you can't take backward afterwards. It will change my life. I try to plan everything, to think about all the consequences, but it would be better to dive in the water and see what happens, you can't plan everything in life.

I know that during all the time I'm still in the closet I can't do anything because there will always be someone in my way. I want to tell my best friend Maria first, because she's always the first to know everything about me, she's one of the most precious person I have. I think that she knows something as she tries to make me speak, but I can't. It's never the right moment, the right place, or anything else, and I always retract at the last moment. So this night I was dreaming about it, and I decided this morning to write her a letter. It's much easier for me, and I can organize my thoughts much better. When I have to tell something important, or very personnal, I can't tell it correctly, my thoughts are mixed up and it seems to me that my head is suddenly completely empty. So I put everything on a sheet and now it's ready to be sent. I'm going to the post office in one hour. She will normally receive it tommorow, let's see how the things will turn out...

Family dinners

I'm trying to work alone because when I'm with other people we talk and never really study correctly, but alone is maybe even worse. As soon as I'm seated, I read four to five pages, and I stard thinking either about eating or wanking. So I eat something (or wank) and I'm good for a few pages, and it starts all over again. The result is that I cannot read more than 30 pages a day, and I have tons of books to read... Does anyone has a solution? I really hate having exams!

I had some dinners with my family these last days, I thought that if I was going to eat at them I would have more time to work and I could relax for an hour or so. I went at my father, and I told him that I was studying all about divorce procedure and he began with "don't tell me about that, you know, your mother has been a b**** with me when we divorced and so has been the judge, and I had no money left, and bla bla bla..." so he kept talking about that for the whole dinner, he drank too much and at the end he was speaking like a stcratched old disc. It was not so relaxing at all. I managed to escape though, wich is an exploit when he's in this condition.

The day after I went to see my grand-mother. She's the only grandparent that is still alive. She's an amazing person. We went to a restaurant and had a very good meal, but the problem is that we drank wine and that we were both a bit "gay" at the end, (me being twice more ;) So when I arrived at home I went straight to bed. My grand-mother is really a grand old lady, she's from a very wealthy noble family in Sweden, she has a very good education and is very classy, but not snobbish at all. She looks like the queen of England. She is very nice with everybody, but she has no mercy for the people she dislikes. When she doesn't like somebody, she can destroy him just with a few words, she's really frightful when she's like that, she perfectly knows where to hit, psychologically speaking, she finds the weak spot and hit like a snake with a power you wouldn't expect of a nice old lady. She has these two faces, one of them I'm really affraid of, because I always thought that if I would do anything wrong she could destroy me like she destroyed other people. She's eighty years old, but still jumps everywhere as if she were fifty, it's amazing, she just came back from a trip in Croatia, and she's now heading for a big trip in Danemark and Sweden to visit some friends. She travels alone with her suitcase, and jumps from one place to another. I don't know what is her secret, I hope to be as healthy as she is when I'll be eighty!

Yesterday I was invited by my mother, and she had invited other friends of her. We were five. When I arrived, a bit earlier, she was so stressed that she was unbearable, she shouted at me like at a dog, and she was running in the kitchen and turning like a tornado, shouting at me and swearing like a docker. The worst thing was when I told her to calm down because it was no need to stress, and that her friend would understand if everything was not ready at the perfect time. It drove her completely mad, she turn completely red, started to yell like a Fury, you could almost see smoke going out of her ears. It was so absurd to be in such a state that I started to laugh, and it was even worse... I really don't understand my mother sometimes, when you have friends at home, it is supposed to be a moment of fun together, and of course to cook is a bit stressing, but to be in such a condition because of that is beyond understanding. I always laugh because even if it is a critical situation, I think about how it must look like for someone that sees it from an external point of view, and it looks like absolutely ridiculous!

So,working with other people doesn't work, and after all, eating to my parents is not really relaxing, and I do not save time either. What will be my next stupid idea? :)

Studying

Yesterday I went with Yasmin to a friend of us, Athina. We went there because we thought that if we were not alone, each one at his home, we would work better and put pressure on each other. After a first attempt I can say that it is not really the case... (it's hopeless!) Well, we worked a bit, and then took our first break. We were discussing about random things, and we started to talk of one of my friend at the uni who is gay. Yasmin said "You know, I respect him because he doesn't act like a fag, even if he's one, and he looks like normal, so I respect him." I said "what do you mean? do you mean you wouldn't repect any other gay guy because he acts gay? what's the matter, don't you think you should respect anyone for what he is?" And she answered "it's not the same, when I see a fag I think it's so disgusting, I really think it's bad. I have had some gay friends but I never wanted them to told me about that, because I would only blame them for that"

I was a bit shocked, because Yasmin is a girl that has a lot of respect for anyone, she never has prejudice against anyone, and really tries to help anybody that needs help. And here she was, telling me that. What's wrong with the people about being gay? Why don't they think it is as normal as being straight? I mean, why should a guy that licks a cock be disgusting and not a woman? So I told her that I couldn't understand why the people where so disgusted by gays. I think that the only foundation it relies on is the culture, it's a cultural taboo brought by the christian religion (amongst others), that can't be broken from a day to another. One doesn't think that being gay is disgusting or abnormal by nature, but is tought to think that, or think it because lots of people think or say it. It's something terrible, because the social inerty is almost impossible to stop in a short time, it can take years, decades, or centuries. However, whenever I meet someone who says a thing like that, I try to put this idea out of his brain, and try to make him think by himself about what is good or not. A lot of people just take what they are tought as the truth, whereas it might just be an interpretation, one of the numerous interpretations you can give on anything. It so easier to learn than to think by oneself.

Then we were discussing about her gay friends, and she said she had five that where gay. I asked her if she really thought that something was bad about them, she said "not really but I still think it's not normal". Athina then said that she never met any gay bacause they weren't any in her school in Greece. Just for kidding I said "it's because you didn't attend school in Mykonos" (it's a major gay travel destination in Greece) and both of them said "how do you know that?" I knew what was the next question, and became to flush just thinking about it, Yasmin looked at me and asked "oh my god, are you gay?" I was completely red, and was trying to calm down but I knew that I was already betrayed by my face and it made me flush more, I didn't know what to say, I was not prepared, and didn't really want to say it to them, especially to Athina that can't keep a secret and speaks to everybody. I just said "what do you think?" because neither a yes nor a no would have been a good answer at this moment. And she put all the pieces of the puzzle together, she said "you always are on their side, taking their defence, you know a lot of gay guys, you were staring about my neighbours when they were half naked on their terrace..." (she has two young neighbours around twenty, with awesome bodies, how could I watch anything else? :P) Time was suspended, I was waiting for her answer as an accused waiting for the sentence of the judge, I looked in his eyes, trying to make her understand I didn't want her so say anything in front of Athina, and I think she understood, because she just said "well, it doesn't matter anyway... let's go back to work!" I was relieved, and we went back on studying. I left half an hour later, and went to the lake, I just wanted to chill out after this moment.

Fan club

My gay fan club is increasing. I have a friend whose best friend is gay. As we hang out a lot together, he's often with us, with other gay friends of his. Anytime I attend a party or go to have a drink with them, I get compliments afterwards. It's really nice, I love being complimented, it's one of my favorite activities :D

I went to help my friend to paint her new room, she just moved in a new flat with two roommates. The flat is great! It's an old flat in the city center, with a little plazza just in front of it, a church not far, and a backery downstairs (it smells so good in the morning!). It's so charming, you hear the sweet rumor of the city: not the cars and everything, but the children playing, the old ladies that are speaking on the bench down on the plazza, the church bells every hour, it's like living in a italian village. She also has a wonderful view on the old town, the castle, the cathedral... It's a little paradise. Inside, the flat looks like one of these old appartments you see in the movies, in new york, old and a bit damaged, but full of life and really warm. She's gonna be really happy there I think.

She has two roommates, one girl and a gay guy. I met them yesterday. The guy oppened the door, he had only a boxer on, and he's really incredibly hot. He has a nice body, he's tanned, has a bum I can't even describe... He also has a tatoo located just under his belly button, and it's written "imagine"  well, I imagined, and still am imagining :P

We laid two coats of paint, and had fun working. We were tired after that (we had work frome 9 am to 6 pm with only a little pause at noon) and we seated in the kitchen, ate a cake and had some beers (wich is essential after such a work!) We were three in the kitchen, with an other friend of us, and I told her I had been chatted up by a guy. And she said "well, you know, you also seduced a friend we have in common" and the other one said "shut up! we sweared we wouldn't say anything!" But it was too late :) I asked who it was, but they didn't want to tell me (I knew however that the girl who said it was going to tell me a bit later if the other one wasn't there). I was thinking about who it was, hoping it was someone I liked. Finally, it turned out that it was a guy I appreciate as a friend, but that is not so hot, he told her that when he saw me the last time, with gel on my hair, a nice shirt and all, he was completely seduced.

I knew they were all attending a festival in the old town. I don't know why but I wanted to go there just to tease this guy, this idea excited me. So i put nice clothes, did my hair, and jumped in the bus. I arrived and had a really bad surprise, I met a girl that had a crush on me and that is unbearable. Last time I saw her was three years ago, and she keeps calling me, texting me on every occasion. I always had and still have to find fake excuses because I hate to tell people I can't bear them. The problem is that when she asked what had happened during the three past years, I couldn't remember what I told her, I'm so bad a liar, and have a really bad memory. It was really embarrassing, and I had to find a way to escape... Now that she saw me, I'm sure she's gonna find my adress and ring at my door! Damn!

Finally, after my successful escape, I found the others. The two girls were seated with guys all around, all of them were gay. I knew them all, and we had a lot of fun. They all officially think that I'm straight, but I'm sure some of them have doubts. I seated just in front of this guy that find me so attractive, and I loved to see he was staring at me at every occasion. Nothing else happened but it was something exciting for me. All the others were looking for guys and it's amazing because they know almost every gay guys in the city. I will need their help in some times. It also conforted me in my idea of coming out soon, because there are so many guys I could have, and every night alone is a lost one!

It began to rain and we had to go earlier, I went to sleep at a friend of mine. We were three in the same bed, two girls and I. One of them said "you do not seems so enthuastic about sleeping with two girls!" I said "no problem, it's ok". When we woke up, she said "your'e strange, you're the only straight guy I know that didn't even try to take advantage of the situation!" I just answered that it was nothing to take advantage of, just for kiding, but I don't know if she took it very well :D

Countdown

I'm supposed to work for my exams, but it's impossible... First of all it's so hot that I have to go to the lake, it's no way to stay outside the water. The problem is that I can't work when I'm on the beach, I always meet some friends (or some guys to stare at), and I just want to chill out and talk with my friends. Secondly, most of them are now over with the exams and invite me to parties and I'm not strong enough to refuse :) Of course the day after I'm not in shape and can't work, so I do other things and the time is running, it's a vicious circle...

Stan came thursday evening to have a meal. He brought a bottle of wine and I prepared a fine meal, I know he loves to eat well, and we had a big piece of meat with a green pepper sauce as main course, he was in seventh heaven, gastronomically speaking ;) He told me "you know, your wife is gonna get bored with you!" I asked why and he said "Because everything is so perfect at your place, it's always tidy, clean, you're always dressed with ironed shirts, you cook better than a chef, I don't know how you manage it. Your wife won't have anything to do! But appart from that she will probably be the happiest woman in the world!" I didn't say that I will never have a wife so it's not going to be a problem, but I appreciated the compliment very much!

After a few glasses, I asked about his father. He told me that he had made the first step and that he went to see him and meet his boyfriend. He said that it was ok, but he's really bugged by the things going around his father being gay. He's ashamed of it (to the point he doesn't dare speaking with the neighbours anymore, or to some friends of him that knows the situation), and he's bugged by the fact that his father maybe never loved his mother. I told him that first of all he shouldn't be ashamed of it, it's a thing that can happen to anyone, and that concerning both issues he has, it wasn't his problem, he has to take care of him and not to think for the others, the relation between his father and mother is a thing that they are both old enough to deal with without his intervention. It's sad to see that it bugs him to the point that it alter his relation with his father to such a degree. I don't know what more I can do or say to help him, I suppose it will take a long time for him to be ok with it, and that there is nothing else to do than to wait.

After the dessert we went to the living room to have liquors, I have a lot of choice in my bar, I always bring special alcohols from my trips, and there is always something new to taste. We were sitting on the couch, talking about his girlfriend and about what happened to me with the girl. He had his arms behing his neck, and the bottom of his flat and musculed belly was discovered, letting me see his abs and the little line of hairs showing the southern direction. I was completely distracted... I couldn't even understand what he was talking about, I was absorbed in contemplation. He's so perfect, cute, kind, clever... I so much wanted him at this moment! I was a bit moody when he left, because I so much appreciate his presence, even if I know that nothing will ever happen. Let's hope that he has an alter ego somewhere around!