Done

I did it, I came out to my father. It was one of the most scaring things of my life. While I was walking to his place, I was feeling really bad, my stomach was upside down, and I was thinking all the time about how I should say it.

We had a normal dinner, and I waited untill his wife went to watch tv, because I wanted to be alone with him. Finally, I brought the subject of my sister and her boyfriend, thinking he would ask about me. It failed. Then I brought the subject of a gay cousin, living in France, and he started to say how he couldn't understand how one can be gay, about how all the gays have the same educational background and history (aka overprotective mum and absent father) etc... not very encouraging.

I told him that it was certainly something hard to understand for someone who like women, but that all the gays are not necessarilly the same, that all of them are different, and that there was a huge gap between a general theory and an individual situation.

Finally, he asked about my lovelife.

me: - it's complicated...

him: - why? do you have more than one girlfriend?

me: - no... I only have one person in my life, but it's complicated...

him: - why? who is it? what is the problem?

I was really hesitating, but I knew it was too late to turn back

him: come on, tell me, I'm sure I know who it is, tell me!

me: - the thing is... it's not a girl, it's a boy...

He looked at me, said nothing, was looking resigned, but shaken and sad. Nevertheless, even though he said that he couldn't understand, he said that he had no problem with it, that he had been having doubts about it for a long time, and that he loved me from all his heart.

I felt relieved in a way, but also guilty, for I put an end to many of his dreams, like have grandchildren. I know it is very hard for him, but he doesn't want to tell me. I could read it in his eyes, and it made me very sad, even though it is not my fault. I know he will finally deal with it, but it will take time.

I told him I had been going out with Raphaël for a year and a half, and said he was a great guy (he brought him at my father's for a dinner lately), and that as long as I was happy with it he had absolutely no problem.

After that, I couldn't sleep, but now I feel much better. He's now gone for the holidays, but he will come back in January, and I hope he will be glad to have dinner in our new home, with Raphaël.

This is it

Hey guys.

It's been a while since my last post. A lot happened, since then.

The good thing is that I'm still with my boyfriend. Everything still works very fine, we always manage to find a way to get through the difficulties, and are happy the rest of the time. We are going to move in together in just two weeks. I went to get the keys of our appartement today. We're both looking forward, even though there are some tensions and fears here or there. I really hope that this is gonna work well. He's been living in my flat for the last year, and it works well, I hope that it won't change.

The bad thing is that in a year and a half, I still haven't find the courage to tell my parents. I told most of my close friends, my sister, but not the rest of the family. My father is leaving for the Christmas holidays in his new wife country, and when he will be back, we will already have moved in. That's the reason why I decided to try to tell him today.

I'm terrified... I know he's my father and will love me no matter what, but I also know that he's sure I'm dating a girl, and really wants me to have kids etc. It will just destroy what he has imagine untill then. It's partly my fault, but I didn't know how to do to tell him.

My father and his wife are very ambivalent about gays. They happened to have gay friends, that even had a child, whose godfather happened to be my very own father. He never had any problem with that. But sometimes he says very negative things about the gays, and I have absolutely no idea of how he will deal with that piece of news. Hopefully well.

I'm just seeking some support here, because I'm gonna need a lot of courage.

How stupid is all that... Why the hell do we need a coming out?

Holidays reaching the end

Hi guys!

I'm still in a hurry, so much to do, these holidays have been crazy! I'm back from Sweden where I spent two weeks with my boyfriend Raphaël. It was awesome :) We were staying in my family so it was damn hard to play like "we're just friends". We managed to make some expeditions in each other room during the nights though :P

Being in a relationship is not easy everyday, but I try to learn and do my best. But even with some bad times, it is the best thing in the world. When you know that you can rely on someone whatever happens, you feel like you can do anything.

An another topic, we get tested for the STDs, and as we were clean, we started to experiment things without condoms, wich, I tell you, is bloody exciting!! :P To say it in a rude manner, to cum in your boyfriend's ass is probably reaching the highest level on the scale of pleasure! I got him doing the same in me, and it feels really good. You can really feel everything, like the heat, the moves, the contractions when reaching the orgasm... Best thing ever! Don't do it without protection if you're not tested though!!

Well, he's coming in a few minutes, so I have to go! I'll post some pictures when I'll have some time! see you guys!

Sea, sex and sun

Hi guys!

So many things to tell you and so little time!

My exams went well, and I'm in the team to represent my university in an international moot court competition. Could I do best? not much! :) I'm well happy and drank a lot of champagne lately!!

I went for a few days in France with my plane, and had an awesome stay. I made several flights with a good friend of mine, and it was abolutely wonderful. The landscapes are of a rare beauty in this region, and we could do stupid things like flying in river beds with the wheels just a few meters above the water, it was awesome. I think that I might have scared a few sailboats captains! :P

I'm just back from Turkey, where I spent one week for a wedding. It was in the kurdish part of Turkey, not far from Syria. I was astonished by the hospitality of the locals, I was treated like a king! Everyone was so nice! There where at my service and it was a bit embarassing to see so many people working for my pleasure all the day long... After all, I might marry a turkish girl!! :P It was just a bit strange to see men at the table, being served like princes, and women lying an eating on the floor in the kitchen, it is not really what I'm used to as a european, but that's their way of living. Being a man there is like paradise!

The women where fighting to take me to eat at their homes and to present me their girls, they certainly thought that they could make me marry one of them. Bad luck! lol! Some girls were absolutely gorgious though.

I was kind of attacked by a gay guy, that was well insisting. It was strange how direct he was, considering that we where in a very traditional region (aka not really gay friendly, AT ALL...). I was really sick and he took advantage of the situation to wank next to me while I was nearly dying in my bed, wich was kind of bad... at least he didn't touched me or anything, for what I recall.

I'm now heading to Sweden with my boyfriend. We have been going out together for three months now, and it is still perfect. I love him so much! He's the funniest guy ever, and we laugh so much that our abs are going well strong :P He's very sweet, and I'm looking forward to spend a few week abroad with him. The only problem is that we are going to be staying in my family there, and it will be so hard not to show that we're in love... I don't know how it is going to be!

- sexual content below this line -

I know that some readers might like a few steamy details :P In three month we have been doing pretty much everything, and it is the most satisfying thing ever! He's a total expert... The only thing that is boring is that we still haven't made the STD test, but we're going to do it when we're gonna be back from Sweden. It is so horrible to stop a blowjob for the last moment... I'd like him so much to cum in my mouth, and to cum in his! haaarg! :P but in two weeks my fantasies will become true! so much looking forward!!!

Yesterday, we were talking about his appartment mate, who came back from spain with his boyfriend with two dildos in a bag. I was like, why would you need a dildo when you have sex with your boyfriend?? and he said that it was kind of not totally satisfying for him to be a top and not have something in him at the same time. And in the end he was like, you know, I like to be a top, but I'm much more into bottoming. I was so glad because I like much more to be a top, we are really made to be with each other :P We had the best sex ever after that, I hadn't done anything for a week, so I was REALLY nervous, lol! We had anal sex, and the best thing is that when I'm on top of him, I'm flexible enough to suck his dick while going back and forth. He likes it a lot, and so do I as you can imagine!! :P just thinking about it makes me rock hard... We also tested the 69 with an awesome fingering at the same time later in the night, and I would strongly recommend it to you! Sex outside is also a must...

Well, enough thing about my sexual life, isn't it? :D

I wont certainly write back before coming back from Sweden, so I wish you the best summer ever! Go to the beach, find a boyfriend, and have (safe) fun!!!

Charlie

Full steam ahead

Things are going great :) I've been elected in the executive comitee of the little company I work for. That means more responsability, but I have no doubt that it will be very interesting and challenging. I've also applied to represent my alma mater in an international competition in Vienna next year, and wait for an interview with the professor. I hope that I'll be part of the team.

My exams begin in one week, and I'm not totally ready but I will make it, as usual, in a total stress.

After that woo hoo! Holidays!! I'm flying to France with my friends for a plane oldtimers meeting, and three days after my return, I take a flight to Turkey for the wedding of two friends. And then --> Sweden with Raphaël!! :) I'm so much looking forward! With the exams coming we have less time to be with each other, and I can't wait to be on vacation with him! Things are so perfect with him, I can't believe it :)

Oh... and sex is absolutely fantastic! With a lof of patience, I finally managed to take all the length of his shaft down my throat. It is indeed quite funny to tickle one's balls with your nose ;) Sex a few times a week is certainly the best solution to feel more relax and avoid stress! I suggest you try it!

See you guys, and enjoy the summer!

Spa

It has been more than two weeks now since our first kiss, and everything is still perfect :) We see us almost everyday and sleep at each others, it's so great to actually be with someone!

I should take more time to study but it's just so cool to be with him that I take a few days "off". He's coming a bit later, and we are going to have a Spa evening. I'm gonna cook some asian food, and then I robbed some massage oil at work that we are gonna try. He's gonna buy some things for the bath, and I bought some orchids at an asian shop, that I will put in the water, and also put some candles so that it's gonna look like in a real Spa. It's totally kitsch, but it's also rather cool :)

Couldn't be much better I think! See you!

Hot stuff

Steamy details for those curious who want to know (aka Aek ;) don't read if you're under 18 :)

Since the friday I told you about, my days and nights have been incredibly hot. During the day, I meet Raphaël during the breaks, we find some hidden places here or there just to share a kiss and talk a little. Nobody knows about us, and we find it kind of sexy to hide from our friends. I think that they will find out anyways because we are always leaving and coming back at the same time. He is so cool, so hot, so kind, so funny, sometimes so kinky :P He's perfect!

He comes everyday to eat at home, or I go at his and he cooks, and then we stay for the night at each others. I just wanted to share what have become a standard evening:

He came around 9pm because he was working at the tribunal (he's a lawyer too). The trial went a bit longer than expected. He called to say that he was leaving the court, and arriving shortly after. Everything was ready on the table, the plates were on, the bottle of wine was opened, the candles were ready to be lit. I had prepared a simple salad, and tandoori chicken, because indian food is his favourite.

Ten minutes later, the doorbell was ringing, and I opened the door. He was standing there, in a black suit, with a blue necktie, the same blue as his eyes. He has curly light brown hair, always in a total mess. He was looking hotter than ever. I catched his necktie and brought him in, and kissed him. He's far taller than me: I'm 1.72m, he's 1.98m!! so I have to stand on my tiptoes and he has to bend his head. We stayed in the entrance for a few minutes, saying how happy we were to see each other. I proposed a cold beer, and we went to the living room. I put some music on, lit some candles, and we talked and laughed while we were drinking. When the bottles were empty, I bent over him, and started to kiss him. It turned out to be far too hot, and he asked me to undress him. Still kissing him softly, I took off his necktie, his suit jacket, and started to unbutton his shirt. I started to rub his chest, very gently. His trousers where made of a very fine wool, and his cock, who had risen very early already, was now pointing to the sky in the most obvious way. He unbuttonned my shirt, and the first two buttons of my jeans. I felt his hand in it, and he started to carress my pubic hair, teasing me. I did the same, and very soon found the head of his cock, all wet and shiny. I started to make small rounds around his dick-head, using the precum as lube.

I proposed to go on my bed, as I have no curtains in the living room and that the neighbours are just a few meters away... We went to the sleeping room, and gently took our clothes off. Shirt first, trousers, socks... I went down slowly, leaving his lips, kissing his chest, his belly button, and I took the rubber band of his boxers between my teeth, and took off his underwear. His cock jumped out, and I got some precum on my face. He bent over and licked it. I took his dick and licked the drop that was leaking, the pleasure drop. With my tongue I started to go around his dickhead, as my hand was exploring his balls, his crotch, and his butthole. I looked up at him and saw that he was looking at me, from far above :)

After a while, he took his dick off my mouth, made me stand, kissed me, and slowly put me on my bed. He was on top, and I put my legs around his back, with his cock in between my butt-cheeks. He kissed my neck, my chest, went down on my belly button, and then started to kiss the inner part of my hips, just on the sides of my balls. I was leaking precum as never. It was like a continuous flow. He rubbed my balls with his tongue, and then started to lick my cock, starting from the bottom, coming to the top, like writing something on it with his tongue. He finally took the head in his mouth, and started to suck me. Very softly at first, and then putting more and more pressure. He was rubbing my crotch in the same time, wich drove me totally crazy. Just before coming, I told him so, and he came back to kiss me, while jerking me. I came so strong that we both received some loads in our hair. It was awesome. I stayed like dead for a little moment, and then went over on him. I did a special manoeuvre (charlie's secret weapon), and within just a few blows, he came just as hard as I did minutes before.

We were both damn hungry, and I went to the kitchen, with a towel around my hips. I closed the shutters, said Hi! to the neighbour doing so, and went back to the room. I took him to the kitchen. He sat down, and I started to cook, all naked (untill I realised that it was a bit dangerous, and took a apron). We ate at the candle light, all naked, with our feet rubbing whichever was reachable. It was great as you can imagine. After having eaten everything, I stood up, and went on the other side of the table. He was still sitting, looking at me with his blue eyes burning with desire. I kissed him, put a leg around him, and sat on him. He was facing the window, and with the shutter closed it was like a mirror, and I could see him watching his dick teasing my hole. We kissed like that for a few minutes.

Finally, we went to the bed. I went to take some condoms and lube. I put one on his dick, lubed it, and went over him. I teased my hole for a while with it, and eventually pressed the head on my hole, making it slowly enter. I was so in need, and so relaxed that it went very easily. I started to go up and down, gently at first, and then faster and faster. I was rubbing my dick in the same time, and was on the edge, waiting for him to come, with a level of pleasure that is beyond the depictable. He said he was to come, and shortly after, he came so hard that despite the condom, I could feel the shots of cum going through his dick. I shot my load and it went all over his chest and face. We stayed like that for a moment, short of breath, covered with the fruits of our pleasure, our eyes closed... Once I had cleaned the mess, we had a short nap.

I awoke because he was talking, he was saying absurd things about keys and lockers, and I was like "what? what?" and suddenly I realised that he was speaking while sleeping, but answering, and he had his eyes opened. He must me a somnambulist :) He finally awoke and he was all lost for a few minutes. I explained him where he was and what happened and we laughed about it. We rapidly felt the urge to do something again. I went to take another condom, and put it on my dick. I went over him, and started to rub his hole. I put some lube on it, and put a finger inside, very gently, going in an out, making circles, feeling his muscles reacting, loosing up or retracting... I put a second finger, and played with it untill he was totally relaxed. I lubed my cock, and slowly pressed it against his hole, it slipped into it without any strong resistance. I asked if everthing was ok, and we kissed while I was begining to move in and out. For such a tall guy, he's very, very flexible! He had his kees next to his hears, and his legs on my shoulders. We went on like that for a moment, and then I asked if we could do it doggy style. I had never tried it, and really wanted to :P

I took my dick out of him, and he went on his knees, offering the view of his butt and back, ready to be taken wildly. I went in, and started bigger movements, discovering other sensations. What I liked the most was to take my dick partly out untill the base of the head was just on the mucles, inside, and then go back forward, it was absolutely incredible. Doing that a few times made me reach the orgasm, and I shot my load with a big moan, far inside him, pressing my pubic hair the stronger I could against his butt. WOW :D No need to say that it was awesome! I blew him, and we went to sleep, happy as hell, and certainly totally empty :) It is the best way to have a good sleep, I tell you!

So, it was more or less like that all the last days, and I'm not bored yet :) still discovering new tricks, new sensations, new positions... but beside the sex, there is also all the feelings. To have someone telling you that he loves you is the best thing ever, and to come back from work and to find a meal ready to be served by a beautiful guy is fantastic! :) I'm so happy guys, I hope that this will never end!

See you!

(and aek, I will send you some receips if you want when I'll have some time :)

Raphaël

Last week has probably been the best week of my whole life... I'm tired but happy as hell, and I'll tell you why:

Last Friday, I invited some friends to eat at home. I invited Yasmin, Alessandro, and a guy who's name is Raphaël. The three were in the same classroom at high school during three years. I like them a lot. Raphaël and I had spoken a few times, because he's a very good friend of Alessandro and comes to talk with us during the break. He's always laughing and making jokes, he's a very cheerful guy.

I cooked during the whole day, made a big salad, turkish stuffed-eggplants with rice, an orange salad perfumed with liquor and orange-blossom water, and a swedish ginger cake to be eaten along with the coffee. This was all going with good wines that I received at christmas and for my birthday.

We had a lot of fun together, it was a perfect evening. The only thing that was not so cool was that Alessandro's girlfriend was really playing the bitch and asking him to come back because it was "late" and that she wanted to see him (they see each other EVERYDAY and she calls him like every five minutes to ask what he's doing and if there are some girls around). She's horrible to him, far too possessive, and he never says anything and just obey her, and it drives me mad for him! Finally he went because she was stressing him too much. (the worst is that when he left and called her, she said that it was too late and didn't want to see him! but she waited untill he was on the road to say that. She's a real bitch...)

Yasmin stayed with Raphaël until around three in the morning. She went around that time, and asked Raphaël to bring her home (she lives just the house beside mine). Raphaël was like "shit, I have to go by bike up the city to my place" (he lives up-hill, and it very steep in this city, it's probably like San Francisco). Yasmin said "you should stay here, I'm sure that Charlie would let you sleep on the sofa", and I was "sure, you can sleep here, no problem for me!"

So he brought her, and came back here. I poured some wine in our glasses, and we continued to speak and laugh during the whole night. I had been a long time since I had laughed so much, it was crazy! My neighbours must certainly hate me :) Suddenly, we realised that the sun was rising! We were still speaking and laughing, but he came a bit nearer in the sofa, and put his arm on mine. I took it as a rather clear signal, and after a while, went a bit nearer, and finally put my arm around his shoulder. After another hour or so, rubbing each other shoulders in the most obvious way, I bent over him and finally kissed him :) We were so tired and we had waited that for so long that it was really special. We went on speaking and laughing, and kissing on the sofa untill three in the afternoon. It was so cool! It was really like we had always known each other and had been friends for ages.

Well, long story short, since last friday, we have been seeing each other for the whole week, everyday. We did not go to the lessons, and just took a week off and stayed with each other. We are still laughing and talking and kissing, and it seems that we are just perfect for each other. It makes me happy to a point that you cannot imagine :) He's so sweet (and so hot)! We have a day "off" tonight, for physical reasons :P sorry for the details, but my dick hurts so much because of the continuous sucking/fucking/jerking... I can't feel it anymore :P I hope that it will be repaired for tommorow!!! I know, you certainly don't want to hear anything about the hot details, that's why I don't talk about it ;)

Well, I think that we are just the two happiest men on earth right now :) I hope that you won't be jealous, and I wish to all of you to find a guy like that! I'm gonna sleep and have a long night, because I'm exausted...

See you guys!

London weekend

Hi guys!

The few days I spent with Stan were awesome! We stopped in Wales, and then spent the weekend in London. It was his first time there, and I did the guide, for I have been there several times. It's definitely my favourite city! I would sell my soul to the devil to live there! The only bad point is that we had two gorgious australian girls in our hostel room, and Stan wanted us to spend time with them... I was a bit jealous as you can imagine...

He's even more beautiful than last time, and he's so sweet... he's far to be perfect in some aspects, but I totally fall for him. We slept one night at his place, and I was just beside him, down his bed on a matress, and I couldn't sleep all the night, I was looking at him, dreaming that one day he would realise that he's gay. I would sell my soul for that too :)

I took an awesome picture of him, and I'd like to show it to you guys, but it would drive you crazy :P It is so beautiful that I can't show it or give it to anyone.

Just a few shots of my trip:

Bristol

St-James park

Camden Town

And just a nice shot of my last flight ;)

See you guys!

Time for an update

Hi guys!

A lot of things has happened during the last weeks... I started my new job, wich is amazing. But I'm so scared to make some mistakes! We deal with real money, real clients, and real potential trials. Forntunatelly, we are three legal advisor and we work together, to make sure that we don't miss anything and to share our point of view.

This weekend was my birthday. I was not in a good mood lately, I don't know why but I'm kind of depressive. Living alone never really affected me, but recently, I began to feel really lonely... I miss someone to share my day when I come back home.

I told you about a new guy. We had met at a party. We just had kissed, and then shared a few texts. After a while, he stopped texting, and I was a little disappointed. I went at another party last week and saw him with another guy, so it's probably better if nothing more happened between us. But I saw another guy looking at me during this party. My friend told me that he was watching me (which I had noticed). I went to talk to him, and I woke up at his the next morning. He's really cute. We exchanged some texts, and decided to meet again. He wrote something for my birthday, and it really pleased me to receive something from him. He came at my place yesterday. He brought a bottle of wine, and I did a simple meal. We didn't talk that much unfortunately, it was like we had nothing to say at each other... I tried various subjects, but the conversation never went a long way. However, he was still smilling and looking at me, as I was doing the same.

We went to the living room, and we started to kiss very gently, playing with each other, caressing each others hair, kissing our necks... it was damn sweet an good. It was not only erotic, it was as if it was our way to communicate. We couldn't find words, but we could find the perfect communication channel. We stayed for hours like that, looking at our eyes, caressing our backs. I could have stayed like that forever. The night we had together was equally sweet, it was wonderful, and I really needed that, some human contact, maybe even some love.

I didn't want to wake up this morning. Neither did he. We were so well, without having to speak, to feel this akward feeling you have when you look away, desperately trying to find something to say... But I had to go to work. I made some coffee, that we drank without speaking. We left my place and went each our way. He said thanks, and that we would meet soon, but I don't think that this will happen, and it makes me so sad. I feel like I'm never gonna find someone to love, and it's a horrible feeling... each time that I meet a guy and that it is going this way, it seems to me that I'm going further and further from the chance of not finishing my life sad and alone. Maybe it was just the wrong guys, but what if there is no right one?

Fortunately, I have my friends around, and they are the best you could wish, and they proove it to me every day.

Leaving for UK tomorrow, with Stan. I'm looking forward at a point that you cannot even imagine! I'll told you about it when I'll be back!

See you guys!

New job

Hi guys! Another good piece of news: I got my very first as a legal advisor in a company today! :) I sent my CV last week, and had not much hope because there was a lot of people applying for the job, and today I had an interview, and was the last candidate to be auditioned. But I just got the mail saying that I'm the one they choosed! It's so cool!

Champagne everyone! :)

Good mix

I had an amazing weekend: It consisted in a good mix of cooking, meeting some friends, meeting a new guy, and flying.

Yasmin came at my place on Friday to test my turkish cooking level. I tried to cook some stuffed aubergines, with some spices that I had bought in Istanbul. The result was good, and I passed the test :)

On saturday, I went to a gay party. I went with Sarah, and at first it wasn't so cool. The music was, though, and a few beers helped to make me enjoy the night. As usual, there where many guys turning around. For a shy boy like me, it's cool to have people coming to me instead of having to go to them. I was not interested by many though. But Sarah saw a friend of her, and we went to say "Hi". She is speaking VERY loud, and she was drunk, so it was worse. We arrived behind him, and it was a guy with a hand on his back, obviously trying to hook up with him. She was like "I've got to introduce him to you, he's sweet, and she turned her head and saw what was going on and she yelded "oh NO!!! THERE IS SOMEONE CARESSING HIS BACK!!!" so loud that even with the music playing, EVERYONE heard her and turned to look at us (including the two guys) :D She freezed with a forced smile on her face for a moment, and I started to laugh so much! She was so sincere yelling that, as if it was a catastrophe :D

The guy (the one scratching the back) went, and I introduced myself. The conversation was not so fluent, but it went well anyways. Around 2pm I said I had to go because I had a plane to take the day after, and he was a bit dissapointed, but I told him that I wanted us to meet soon, and he kissed me. This guy has the softest lips ever... it was... awesome :P I gave him my number and received a message shortly after. He's cute :)

Waking up the morning after was not so easy, but I was just a passenger this time, a friend of mine wanted to fly around and had been looking for a passenger. The weather was perfect, and I'll let you see by yourself:

The highest mountain is the Mont-Blanc, the top of Europe

New start

I'm back on the campus. Everything is going it's way, and the end of my studies are coming nearer and nearer. If everything goes the way I planned, I'll get my master degree in one year. I woke up last night, and suddenly I realised that I had to be ready with a plan for the rest of my career. Last year, thinking about it, I had planned to go for a PhD. I have the grades and the capacity to do it, but it means a few supplementary years in the academic field. I like to study, but I begin to feel the urge to go on the market, to prove myself, to be confronted to real problems. I feel the urge to leave my cosy student life.

The path I'm on right now is undoubtfully leading to a good lawyer's career, to a more or less quiet life with it's lot of divorce cases, neighbours conflicts, unresolved bankruptcies etc... there is and will always be something to do. But after having thought about that, I realised that it is not what I want. I want a change in my life. When I returned from Istanbul, I realised how quiet this city can be, how I know everything and everyone, how things stays the same, how reassuring it can be, but also how boring. I need some fresh air, and I never dared to try the change, because I'm the slave of my belongings, and my nostalgia.

I need a new start, and I need to be confronted to the risk, and to the uncertainty, I need to go without anything holding me back. I took a decision, and made a plan: go abroad, study maritime law in a good university, and find a job somewhere in Europe or in the USA for a few years. The absolute dream is to study one year in UCL in London, but there are two problems: it is awfully expensive, and I have to come with excellent grades. This year started relatively poorly regarding the second point, but I can change it, and now that I have this goal in mind, I know that I can reach a good level, it's just a matter of work. Concerning the money, my father said that he would sell his socks if I needed it, he's 100% behind, and surprisingly, even my mother pushes me forward.

So, this is going to need more commitment than I've ever had provided in my life, but I think that I can do it, because right know, it's the thing that I want more than everything, a new aim, and a new start. I told Maria about it, and she was stunned, because she said that it's so not like me, and she is absolutely true. I never thought I would feel the urge to get out of here, to go abroad, and to abandon the routine I've been in for a few years. I even told you one year ago that I would never leave this place, but I had kind of a revelation last night.

I already started the necessary preparation, I'll have a serious talk with my family to fix a financial plan, I'll take some english lessons, and will prepare my master thesis this semester already, so that everything should be in order before next year. It's challenging, but thrilling, it will either be a success, of the first failure in my life.

Wish me luck :)

PS: I have a question. In order to go abroad, I have to take an english exam. I will prepare for it, but I want to have an idea of my english level, and therefore ask you what you think about my english level. Is is rather good or can you clearly see that it's not my native language? On a one to five scale, five being the highest grade and one the lowest, what would you think my level is? It's important for me to have an idea, so please answer! Thanks :)

If you don't know how to wear a tie, then don't!

I had the moot court this weekend. We left on thursday. We took our rooms and had some time to eat and visit the city before the welcome drink on the evening. We went to grab food before preparing the last details for our pleading wich was to be given on Friday. Around 2am, we tried to go to bed, Alessandro fell asleep easily, but I couldn't sleep, I was so stressed! and sharing a twin bed with him, half naked just beside me, did not make the thing easier...

We woke up early in the morning, took a shower, put our suits, and I did the tie knots for all my team. We headed to the court for a introductive meeting. We were to speak around 11 am, so we headed to our hotel room and continued to prepare, the stress was increasing, no one of us had ever spoken in front of a court, and we were to begin our career in front of some federal judges and the best specialists in the country, kind of scary!

We went back to the supreme court, and just before entering the tribunal room, I told my mates to adjust their ties, because they were really loose and it was really looking bad, and they were "easy man, it's what we say that counts, and I can't breathe if I adjust". We entered, the president presented the judges, and just before one of my mates started to speak, a judge asked the president to let him speak, and he looked at my mate, and said "Sir, let me tell you that I am deeply shocked by the way you present yourself in front of the court: your tie is loose, and not even aligned, and the last button of your shirt is not even closed. If you don't know how to wear a tie, then don't, this is an insult to the supreme authorities of the country!" I knew it... Good start!

Despite this incident, it went well. The opposite party spoke after us, and during the time they spoke I prepared the retort. It's damn stressing to listen, and to find a conterstrike at the same time, but it's also damn thrilling, I loved it :) I found the best argument ever, wich could destroy all the others pleading, and I had my time telling it, haha, I'll never forget the changing face of the other team :P

We went for another round in the afternoon, and then left the tribunal, happy, and looking forward to see who would be in the last round. We had given everything that we could, and although we knew that some had for sure been better, we still had some hope. There was a gala dinner in the evening, and this time the ties were adjusted :) Alessandro looks so hot in a suit, oh my god... He's half italian, half portugese, and has the body of Jesus Luz, if you add the latin lover look, and the perfectly adjusted suit... it's a crime to be that fit!

The results were told, and unfortunately, we were not selected for the last round. Knowing that, we made the most of free beverages that were offered by the sponsors, wich resulted in some innapropriate demonstrations of good temper :P The german speaking always says that we, the french speaking, are drunkards, and I think taht we gave them some points...

We left and headed to a nightclub with a group of friends, among wich there was a good looking shy guy that I was sure to have met somewhere. We looked at each other during the first part of the night, and then I went to talk to him. Unfortunately I was already a bit drunk, and I think that I looked like a dumb... I had a few beers with him, but I don't remember what I told him, so it's maybe better if I never see him again, lol

Alessandro and I left before the others, because I told him to take me home before I was too drunk. We came back to the hotel room around 1 am, but had fun until 5 in the morning. It was really cool to speak with him, and I think that he was really happy too, because he has an evil girlfriend who doesn't let him go out, and he doesn't go at his friends anymore.

Well, the weekend was absolutely great, it was really stressing, but a unforgetable experience! I'm looking forward to be a lawyer, and to feel like I'm going on a battlefield every morning :) Some think that to study law is boring, but they don't know what they are speaking about!

Hi!

It's not going anywhere... the more I write, the more I have to cut, because we are only allowed 20 minutes for the pleading. I couldn't sleep that night thinking about it. There are so many things you can say, and so many tricks you can use in the law that it's hard to choose and to say it correctly. It drives me crazy!

I went to some extra lectures these last days, and there was a guy that I like. I don't know much about him but we are always looking at each other when we are in the same classroom. He's shy, as I am, and we never had an "excuse" to talk to each other. We don't have the same group of friends and we are always on different sides in the classroom. We are always saying "hi" though when our ways cross during the day. This morning, we were the first to arrive in front of the door, and he started to talk to me, and I was so happy that we were alone together for the first time, but after less than a minute, some of our respective friends arrived and we both went to speak with them each on our side :/

Maybe it's just me fantasizing, but it seems to me that we both want to talk to each other, and because we always make eye contact makes me think that it's not completely inocent...

Pleading

Exams passed :) not as good as I wanted, but considering what I had revised, it's ok.

I'm trying to prepare my pleading for this week... I don't have any idea of how to do it so that it will sound good to the judges ears. And I'm affraid that we will face a german speaking team or judge, because I'm the only one in my team that understand german at a certain level, and I'll carry the responsability to understand and translate to the others :S

Anyway, it'll be quite an interesting challenge, stressing though...

By the way, I had a talk with Guillermo and we agreed that it was not working. So I'm waiting for the next one...

Back to writing, see you!

(Haha, and I'll share a room for two days with Alessandro, I hope that I will behave decently :P )

The last one

Last exam tomorrow! :)

I'm suppose to meet Alessandro in the afternoon and go to see a movie, but you can never be sure that he's gonna show up.

Eysan called to say that according to a test, it was a false alert. Good news, and I hope that Maria isn't pregnant either...

I think that I'm gonna dump Guillermo. The situation is just boring, everything is complicated for him, and listening him complain about how ugly his smile, eyebrow or anything else is, is too much for me. I tell him he's cute and he says I'm not objective. Moreover, he's always telling me all about his ex boyfriend, and it was ok at the begining, but now it's like I know this guy more than I know him... It's not going to work anyways. I'm a potential boyfriend, not a charge-free amateur psychologist.

Sarah knows some guys she says I could like, but I don't think so. One is an artist who is in an "open relationship", and I'm never gonna put myself in this kind of situation, and the other is a shy door opener at the theatre, but seems quite strange too... :/ God, why can't it hapen like in an american movie, where you sit on the beach and a hot surfer comes with two beers? :P There is another gay party in two weeks, but it's gonna be a kind of giant karaoké, with everyone screaming at the same time... it's already difficult to have a conversation in a nightclub, but if you add hundreds of gays screaming... :P I'm not sure that it is the place to be!

Qualified

Haha! I told you about a law competition some time ago, and my team is qualified to go to the final !!! that means that we are going to make a fictive process in front of a jury made of federal judges, law professors and some of the best lawyers in the country, in the building of the supreme court of Switzerland! How cool!? But it's also kind of stressing... Finishing the exams on friday, and then we'll have two weeks to prepare it.

I had lunch with Maria, and supper with Eysan, and it seems that both of them are unwillingly pregnant :S They are all stressed and annoyed, but I don't know what to say. It is quite a difficult choice to do when you are in this situation... at least I'm not the father!

Retirement

I'm going to France today, I'm bored and I need some fresh air. Eysan is back from Istanbul, and I'm going with her.

I went at my father's to eat yesterday, and I'm a bit worried about him... he's going to retire in three month, and he is quite depressed about it, and he begins to be quite paranoid about all the guys that will run his job after him. As usual I am unable to tell wich part is true, and wich part is paranoia, but I'm sure that he over-reacts about what's happening. He says he's being mobbed and that everyone avoid him in the corridors, and that nobody speaks to him anymore etc... I don't know if it's true, but I know that he's not going well at all, and that it's not gonna go better in the next few month. I don't know how we are gonna deal with that with my sister. We would like to do something for him, but he's so boring when he's like that that we can't bear him for too long a time. Are we horrible selfish kids?

Well, I hope that it's gonna be better when he'll be definitely out of office.

and Istanbul

When I came back from Italy I had two days to unpack, wash, and repack :) I called Guillermo to ask if he had time to meet. We went to eat chinese. I invited him in a very good restaurant. I ordered for myself, and he ordered "a plate of vegetables with a glass of water". I was like "WHAT? we come to a very good restaurant and that's what you're gonna eat??? I don't want to tell you what to eat, but I told you I would invite you, so feel free to take what please you!" and he was "I don't want you to pay to much, are you sure? and I'm not sure if I should eat something too fat because I want to loose weight" and bla bla bla... For God sake, if you can't even allow a good meal once in a while... especially if you're invited! He was the one who proposed the chinese, so if he didn't want to eat something else than a plate of vegetables, it would have been better and cheaper to eat it at home! That's the kind of things that annoys me in him. Well, he finally changed his mind and took a real meal. I invited him to stay for the night, but he had to go home, so as he had missed his train, he went to wait the next one at mine.

I had my plane the day after. I met with Eysan (crazy girl) at the train station, and we went to the airport. Her parents welcomed us in Istanbul. His father is hell of a good driver, he found his way in the infernal traffic as if he were born on a circuit! There are so much cars on the road, and no rules at all! it is the one who is the fastest that goes forward, the most important part of the car being the horn if you want to "communicate" with the other drivers :P Her parents are divorced, his father drove us to her mothers flat in the south of Istanbul, on the asian side. I didn't see anything interesting during the drive "home". Her mother had made a welcome meal, and it was damn good! :P

The day after, we just chilled out around the house, we went to the seaside to have a walk, went to have some beers in a bar, to smoke a hooka, and that's all.

Smoking the Narguilé, my pleasure in the arab countries :)

The interesting things came the few following days. She brought me in the most interesting places. She is born in Istanbul, but never visited it :D so I had a to-do list, and she was bringing me where I wanted. It was great because she was also discovering her city at the same time, so she wasn't bored when I was looking around. The first thing we did was to have a turkish coffee in the Orient-express train station, wich was the point of arrival for the europeans until flying became affordable. I could imagine all these people, coming all the way from London, via Paris, Zürich, Budapest and Belgrad, crossing Europe, it was something! four days, whereas it took me 2 hours and a half :) I have kind of nostalgia (even if I never knew this era) for the time when travelling was not just a short formality. I like to take the train, the boat, or my little plane and make some stops on the travel. I dream to cross the atlantic by boat once, and to go to Istanbul with the orient-express. But I checked the prices, and it costs 7350 € (almost 10'000 $) for one person 0_0 I'll do it later if I really have nothing else to do with my money :P

The Orient-Express train station

Crossing the golden horn with the Aya-Sophia in the background

After that, we headed to the most know monument, the Aya-Sophia mosque. It tells all the story of Istanbul, and modern Turkey. Built on the site of the first cathedral ordered by Constantin (the roman emperor who converted to christinism), it was ordered by Justinian. This emperor is known by all the continental lawyers to be the one who compiled the main texts of the roman-laws, and his compilation is still studied by students today (I can testify!). After the fall of Constantinople in 1453, it became a mosque, until 1935 or something like that, when Mustafa Kemal Atatürk, the fondator of the modern Turkey, decided to offer it to the humanity, and made it a museum. If there is one thing to see in Istanbul, it is this church! I heard about it when I was a kid and we were studying the history of the roman empire, and the story of this church as well as the history of Constantinople fascinated me! It stayed the biggest building in the world for centuries, it is really a masterpiece :) We also went to see Topkapi palace, the palace of the Sultans. I love the ottoman architecture, it is very delicate, with a lot of ornaments, arab calligraphy etc...

Aya Sophia (the holy wisdom of God) mosque, built in the 6th century, christian church, muslim mosque, and laic museum through the centuries

One of the beautiful byzantine mosaics, the Christ, Maria and St-John Baptist

Ottoman architecture. One of the Sultans mausoleum

The courtyard of the Blue Mosque

One of the thing that also fascinated me when I learned about Istanbul at school is that it is the only city to be built onto two continents, between Europe and Asia. Crossing the Bosphorus had been an obsession of mine for a long time. Actually, there is nothing special, it is just a three km wide passage, crowded with tankers, fishing boats and passenger ships. But it is a symbol, a crossroad. For me, it represent the center of the occidental world, a strategic and cultural point. It is what separates Europe from Asia, but it is also what links the Mediterranean sea and the Black sea. It is a fascinating place. We crossed the Bosphorus several times, as we were living on the asian side, and that the historical center is located on the european side. We also took the boat and went all the way until the Black sea.

The Bosphorus with a super-tanker full of petrol coming from the Black sea

The Black Sea and the end of the Bosphorus. Europe on the left, Asia on the right

Her mother took us to one of the three islands a few miles out on the sea. A friend of hers had a house there, and we spent the day there. I got to say, Beverly hills seems crap compared to some places there :P Her friend was one of these "nouveau riche", who has a lot of money since recently, buys everything expensive but has no idea of how to behave or what "good" means. They buy things only because it's expensive. I mean... she served us wine, and told us that it was one of the most expensive wine of Turkey. So I figured that it was good. But it had been stored in the living room, exposed at the sunlight, during a few years I guess. When she poured the wine, and I noticed the color, I knew that something was wrong, even if I'm far to be an expert! I smelled it, and I immediatly noticed the caracteristic smell of the cork. I looked at her, and she was drinking it, she said she thought it was perfect :S she asked me what I was thinking about it, so I just agreed with a big smile to be polite, but it was so bad! Eysan and I looked at each other and there was no need to speak :P

On the Prince's island

The house I want to buy :) 15 million $$... hum...

The rest of the week was spent on seing other historical remainings, shopping in the Bazar like a real tourist, and most of all eating and drinking :) The food was soooooooo good!! with that and the italian one, I put on some weight! I urgently need to go back to gym :) I ate a lot of seafood from both seas, and a lot of ottoman specialities, like stuffed-eggplant etc... It is a spicy and perfumed cuisine. The last day, we were invited by Eysan's father in a very posh restaurant along the Bosphorus. It was soooo beautiful! I have been spoiled during this week, I can tell you! :)

I went back to Switzerland alone, Eysan is still there for one week more. I was a bit affraid to go with her, after all that happened between us. I was a bit relieved when I arrived to see that we were not going to sleep in the same room. Everything went fine actually. We had an incredibly nice week together. We got drunk once, and we started flirting together a bit, but we managed to stop on time. You know, I realised how much I like her there. I almost love her in a way, I don't know how to say. I'm not sexually attracted to her, but we have such a strong connection... it's weird. It's definitely more than friendship. It's kind of sad for both of us, because I think that if I were not gay, I might already have found the girl of my dreams. It's all the sadder that she's in love with me. Sometimes life is just unfair...

On another topic, this trip was very interesting. I observed the people, talked with some young guys, and older people, about everything. When you're there, going out in the center, you can't tell that you're not in europe. Appart from the faces, they live the same life than in every modern country. Yet, you can feel the heritage of the Kemalism. Most of the people are strong nationalists, and the state is still not that far of a dictatorial power. There are some touchy subjects, wich have a strong influence on the freedom of speech. I was surprised to see that some sites are forbidden on the internet. You can't access youtube for instance. If you dare speak about the Kurds, you better not say to much about it. The same about Armenia. The mediatic space is totally occupied by the prime minister, he's everywhere, newpapers, television, internet... The childrens all learn poems written by Atatürk, and there is a cult of his personnality. It is maybe gonna be part of the european union one day, yet, there is a lot of work to do...

Well, this is long enough :) Thanks for reading if you had the courage!

From the Topkapi's garden, holy Irene church

The Blue Mosque, one of the most beautiful mosque in Istanbul, seen from Aya Sophia