One year (and a bit more)

I realised today that I've been updating this blog for a bit more than one year now, and it has been a nice thing to do, and has been of a great help so far. I do not have the success of some of our fellow bloggers, maybe because I do not have such an interesting life, maybe because of my rather limited and sometimes akward writing style, or for any other reason. I don't count my readers though, because it doesn't matter this much to me. The reason I started this blog was that I was awfully alone in the closet, the door seemed made of iron and as well locked as a vault's door. But, fortunately, it was fitted with an internet connexion :)

I distincly remember the day when everything changed. I had dumped a girl I had been dating for a while. I was sitting in my living room, browsing the internet, and found this video:

For an obvious reason, it kind of turned me on. And I thought "Charlie, enough is enough, let's face it, you're gay." During many years I tried to deny it to myself, trying to fall in love with girls, to think about girls when I was wanking, and when I was turned on by a boy I was thinking "this can happen, it doesn't mean anything, it will change when I will have a girlfriend". The more the years were passing, the more I was in the denial. I was looking at some gay porn and felt guilty, but kept telling to myself that it was ok for this time, and that I would look at some straight porn the day after to "compensate"

But this evening of march, last year, I decided it had to stop, or I would never be able to be me, and hopfully find love and happiness. I'm so glad that I was eventually able to do it. But that was the first step. I was still the only to know, the door was unlocked, but still not opened.

I started to read some blogs on the net, and I discovered all the guys that were in a similar situation. As I was not at all ready to come out in the real life, I decided to do it on the net first, to share my situation, to "meet" some guys, maybe some friends, and to get some advice and comments. It was probably the best thing to do, I can't describe how much it helped me. I could be myself, finally, and prepare to do the same in the real life. I got some comments from a few people, and with the time going, have now a few regular commenters which I thank very much for their support and advice. Xico, Aek, James, Naturgesetz, I don't know very much about you, but I consider you as special friends, and you would all be warmly welcomed here if you want one day :). I also have some other occasionnal commenters, that I thank all the same, and all the anonymous readers to whom I send my best regards.

It took me a few month before I could come out to someone. It was to my best friend Maria. And after that, I came out to my three other best mates, and was so relieved about it. During this year, I also had my first boyfriend, with all the first times it involves. It was obviously not the good one, but it was a start, and I would never have imagined to have a boyfriend two years ago. It confirmed that I was so right to accept my sexual orientation, it was so much more natural and agreable than to be with a girl, it's like night and day :)

The next and ultimate step will be, one day, to come out to my family. It's a thing I worry about very much, for many reasons. But as long as I don't have to, or am not outed to them, there is no particular problem, I don't mind to live my life without them knowing.

So, I thought it was important to do a summary of this eventful year. From a guy living in a total denial and a messed-up mind, I transformed into a more or less relax gay guy with a foot out of the closet. To all of you that are in the same situtation, I want to say: go for it! Be who you are, and live your life.

Thanks to everyone that helped me in a way or another :)

Charlie