This is his answer:
Hey Charlie,
I am sorry for having been so distant lately. Even though it's been busy at work, it's no excuse. Honestly, I have pushed all this aside from my mind, and that's why I haven't felt like contacting you.
It has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong. It's more about what I have gone through before, and just that I need my own space. There are a lot of things I need to sort out myself, and that's why I can't commit right now. I am not even sure if we could be something more permanent. Friends of course. Don't think that I wouldn't want to see you anymore.
Life is full of contradictions. We have needs, but we also have responsibilities. It's just I still need to think about, which path I want to follow.
I know this might loom around in your head, been there before and hurt myself, but you will notice that this is not really so simple. I know it's relieving to know people who have similar feelings, and that you can share all that. However, that's only the first step. You are excited about it, and that's why so passionate. I can't respond the same way.
I hope you don't think too much about this, and take it too seriously, especially since you have your exams to concentrate on. I will be around, no worries. However, I want to be your close friend. That's only thing I can do right now.
Let me know, what you think
Erik
So... I don't understand everything... I don't know anything about him to say the truth, about his history, so I have no idea to what reference it is done. But what is sure is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, so now I know that I must not look for that with him, that's at least something. The reasons why, I don't completely understand, but that is his problem. However, the "path to choose and responsability/need" thing makes me think that he has some trouble to deal with his sexuality, that by "responsability" he means in fact the consequences of a gay life. From what I can read between the lines, and from what he said to me last time, I think that he doesn't accept his feelings for guys. That's what bugs me, because if he refuses to live what could be something great only because he doesn't accept to be gay, and try to hide, it's really sad, for both of us, but for him a lot more.
So I'll try to talk with him about that if he wants, because I really want to help him, even if he doesn't want to be with me. I felt the same way just before beginning this blog, I was in the front of what seemed a crossroad of my life: either I was choosing to deny my gay feelings, continue to pretend to be straight, and stay single for the rest of my life, or I was choosing the risks of being in love, and live my life differently with someone else, even if it can mean some troubles, especially with my family. I made what seemed to me the right choice, because a life without love, without sex, without reciprocal affection for somebody, is not really a life, according to me.
I will be in Zürich this weekend, for a fund raising... hem... no, for a family dinner, excuse me ;) with the family of my father. They are nice but never listen what you say, even if they have asked, and give me money at the end of the dinner (last time around 700$ !!). I don't really like that but I need that money, so I don't mind speaking in the void for one day. I will also try to answer to Erik's mail, and ask if he wants to talk on Sunday before I go back to Basel.
I have my first exam on Tuesday, and I'm not ready at all... :S it's really terrible, but I don't feel like working, it seems to me that "alea jacta est" and that I can't do anything anymore to pass these exams, wich is of course not true, it only requires an efficient and hard work, but even if I know it I procrastinate and make sport instead...
8 comments:
Darling Charlie,
it seems to me that he's trying to say that hes not ready...in general to be gay and specifically to be with you...how old is he, isnt he older than you ? I were you Charlie, I wouldnt insist tho, you have to develop more egotistical protections for yourself...you are young, cute, intelligent...a great catch and a loving friend, if Erik, or anyone else for that matter, doesnt get it, well, "tant pis" ...send them packing and click on the "next" button...LOL
courage and kisses from Xico
Good luck with everything. It's that time of year when things crash down around us, but hang in there! :)
It's a decision we all have to make. The best you can do is be a friend and listen. However, it's worth noting, a guy can be fine with being gay but still choose to remain single for religious reasons, etc.
Thanks Aek! Yes, christmas time is always critical :)
You're right Xico, he's not ready, and I understood that. But if I can help him as a friend, I will. He's 23, just a few months older than me.
Don't worry for me, the next one shouldn't be so far! The only thing that makes me sad is that he was really a nice guy in all his aspects, physically, (wow!) but also mentally, he is a clever and interesting guy... Well, there are others for sure, but it's not always easy to find... but if it happened once, it will happen again.
It was just that everything seemed so perfect. Well, it was to perfect to be true!
Yes James, I know that some prefer to live their life this way, as NaturGersetz for instance. But without wanting to offend anyone, because everyone has the right to live their lives as they want to, I think that it's a bit sad. It seems so sad to me, never to be in love, never to share this love physically, etc. And as I am not a believer, I can't understand that any less... but I respect everybody that choose this life, for they follow their convictions.
But if I can bring some friends to think my way, I will :)
Well, that's because it IS sad, lol. But the believer knows there's something better in heaven that awaits them, and so they are content to endure a certain amount of discomfort on earth.
But if your only purview is the world we have here and now, then yes, it is a very disappointing and sad thing. So, how one sees it largely depends on one's faith, I think. Because, for the person that is religious, it does not seem like such a burdensome and depressing thing to be alone.
When I read Erik's words about responsibilities, It seemed to me that he might be thinking of a responsibility to his family, to produce the next generation, or to be part of a family business which requires him to live in Norway. Maybe it somehow involves a traditional marriage. Of course, it's all just guessing unless he explains what he means by responsibilities.
I agree that love and intimacy are important in every life. Not to have them is truly sad. It is just the sexual expression of them which I have chosen to forgo. Unfortunately, I realized only very late that it was possible to have love and intimacy without sex. So I realize that my life could have had happiness which it did not have.
But, getting back to Erik, it seems to me that he has not entirely made his mind up. He is not going to be your boyfriend now, but he could change his mind. I wouldn't wait for that to happen, but if you haven't found someone else in the meantime, there is at least a small possibility, it seems to me.
Yes, I think you're right, that's what I also thought about the "responsabilities". That's what I'm going to do, wait and see, and as you said, if I don't find anybody else in the interval, I couldn't be more happy than to take him back.
I hope that you are not alone and that even if you realized it later, you could find someone! if not, I hope you will :)
all the best!
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