One year (and a bit more)

I realised today that I've been updating this blog for a bit more than one year now, and it has been a nice thing to do, and has been of a great help so far. I do not have the success of some of our fellow bloggers, maybe because I do not have such an interesting life, maybe because of my rather limited and sometimes akward writing style, or for any other reason. I don't count my readers though, because it doesn't matter this much to me. The reason I started this blog was that I was awfully alone in the closet, the door seemed made of iron and as well locked as a vault's door. But, fortunately, it was fitted with an internet connexion :)

I distincly remember the day when everything changed. I had dumped a girl I had been dating for a while. I was sitting in my living room, browsing the internet, and found this video:

For an obvious reason, it kind of turned me on. And I thought "Charlie, enough is enough, let's face it, you're gay." During many years I tried to deny it to myself, trying to fall in love with girls, to think about girls when I was wanking, and when I was turned on by a boy I was thinking "this can happen, it doesn't mean anything, it will change when I will have a girlfriend". The more the years were passing, the more I was in the denial. I was looking at some gay porn and felt guilty, but kept telling to myself that it was ok for this time, and that I would look at some straight porn the day after to "compensate"

But this evening of march, last year, I decided it had to stop, or I would never be able to be me, and hopfully find love and happiness. I'm so glad that I was eventually able to do it. But that was the first step. I was still the only to know, the door was unlocked, but still not opened.

I started to read some blogs on the net, and I discovered all the guys that were in a similar situation. As I was not at all ready to come out in the real life, I decided to do it on the net first, to share my situation, to "meet" some guys, maybe some friends, and to get some advice and comments. It was probably the best thing to do, I can't describe how much it helped me. I could be myself, finally, and prepare to do the same in the real life. I got some comments from a few people, and with the time going, have now a few regular commenters which I thank very much for their support and advice. Xico, Aek, James, Naturgesetz, I don't know very much about you, but I consider you as special friends, and you would all be warmly welcomed here if you want one day :). I also have some other occasionnal commenters, that I thank all the same, and all the anonymous readers to whom I send my best regards.

It took me a few month before I could come out to someone. It was to my best friend Maria. And after that, I came out to my three other best mates, and was so relieved about it. During this year, I also had my first boyfriend, with all the first times it involves. It was obviously not the good one, but it was a start, and I would never have imagined to have a boyfriend two years ago. It confirmed that I was so right to accept my sexual orientation, it was so much more natural and agreable than to be with a girl, it's like night and day :)

The next and ultimate step will be, one day, to come out to my family. It's a thing I worry about very much, for many reasons. But as long as I don't have to, or am not outed to them, there is no particular problem, I don't mind to live my life without them knowing.

So, I thought it was important to do a summary of this eventful year. From a guy living in a total denial and a messed-up mind, I transformed into a more or less relax gay guy with a foot out of the closet. To all of you that are in the same situtation, I want to say: go for it! Be who you are, and live your life.

Thanks to everyone that helped me in a way or another :)

Charlie

Back from France

I came back from France on Tuesday. It was really fun, I had a great time with my mother and her boyfriend. It's been a very long time that I hadn't seen her so relax. Moreover, Strasbourg is a beautiful city. I had been there before, but a long time ago, and I didn't remember that it was such an agreable place to visit. We were staying at the flat of some of my mother's friends. They had an incredible hi-fi installation, and I made full use of it, I went to buy some jazz cd's to accompany our dinners. It was like having Django playing the guitar next to us :)

I now have my vacation daily programm: fishing on the mornings, newspaper reading, dinner, nap, work for the exams, and apéro with friends. It suits me quite well. I'm also flying to the north of the country saturday to do some passengers flights. I hope that the weather will be ok.

Life could be worse :)

Strasbourg

Tomorrow is my last day of uni before september. It's also the last time I see some of my friends before next academical year. I'm going to have a beer with Alessandro after the last lecture. He's going to Portugal during the summer, I'm going to miss him. Stan is working very hard to pass his year, and we had no time to meet since more that one month ago. He's going to Wales next year for one year, and he's found a work in Brazil for the summer, and he's not coming back to Switzerland in between, I'm really sad about that, I hope that we'll at least have some time to share a good meal before he goes away.

Saturday morning I take the train to Strasbourg in France. First time in five years that I go somewhere with my mother, I hope that we'll have a nice time. Anyways, I'll be able to go out by myself in case things don't turn out well. I've alrealdy been in this town, but I was not old enough to go out, I'll see if I find something nice to do on my evenings (I don't want to hold the candle for my mother and her boyfriend...)

I'll give some news when I come back! See you and have a nice weekend! :)

Outed...

Secrets never last, even the swiss bankers know that... I called Sarah today to have some news about her broken foot. She was the second person I came out to, because I trust her and she's one of my best friends. This trust was maybe a bit too strong, as she couldn't help to say that I came out to her to one of her gay friends. She had asked me and I told her I didn't want because he can't hold his tongue... but she did. I didn't want to because I knew he would told it to everyone, and that was exactly what happened, so now around 25 persons know that I'm gay. For the moment it doesn't really bother me, because it's a welcomed publicity in a way, the only problem is that most of the people that now know know other friends of me, and you know how it works, you tell three people that tell three others etc.

The main problem is that my sister and my cousin are related to many of them, and it's only a question of time untill one of them will know it... Of course I would have told them one day or another, but now this day that I thought that was so far is much nearer.

I'm quite disappointed about Sarah, I didn't expect that from her, especially after I told her not to tell her friend. At least I hope that this publicity will bring some knew guys around.

Trips

My father has his birthday today. He came here at noon and I cooked for the whole family. Here was the menu (in french as in every good restaurant :)

- Mesclun de salades de saison (Mix of salads with homemade sauce)

- Queue de lotte sauce safranée et sa ratatouille à la niçoise /Muscadet 2007 (Monkfish with a saffron sauce, french ratatouille, with a french dry white wine)

- Filet de boeuf beurre maître d'hôtel et pommes sautées / Château Roque-Lemaine (Bordeaux) 2002 (Beef filet with homemade herbs-butter, fried potatoes and a very good red wine)

- Fondant au chocolat parfumé au Cointreau (chocolate fondant perfumed with orange liquor)

I almost ruined the fish because I didn't saw that the cream I had bought was sour cream, and it didn't went at all with the saffron sauce. I could save the dish with a white wine wash and nobody noticed anything appart from me. We were not far from a catastrophe though!

On another topic, I only have a week left before the summer holiday, and I'm planning some trips during the summer. I'm going to France next week with my mother and her boyfriend. It will be the first time that I go abroad with my mother since 2004 (I had sweared never to go again after our last trip during with we were not far to kill each other) and I hope that it will be ok. It will be a little bit strange to go with her boyfriend too, but we get on rather well, so I think that it could be a nice trip, and I'm invited, that's why I said ok :)

After that, I'm probably going to Sweden for a week and a half, I want to go in the middle of June for there is a big traditionnal celebration called Midsommar, and I only attended one time when I was a child, and remember it was really cool. There is lots of food, drinks, and good mood (and of course lots of blond guys :)

I'm also thinking about paying a visit to a guy in Italy, but I'm not sure yet. It's the guy I met at the swimming-pool when I was in Basel. We chatted a bit on MSN recently, and he invited me at his place, aroung the Garda lake, a beautiful place that I dream to visit. It's an alpine lake in nothern Italy, with beautiful surroundings and wonderful small villages. The thing is that he's a bit strange. From what I know him, he seems a bit "socially inadequate". I mean, he has a strange behaviour with the people. He seems to be quite obsessive about the people he talks to. He says he has no friend, because when he tries to be friend with someone, they go away. I can understand that, because after we met he called three times a day even though I was not answering, wrote tons of messages... He seems to be nice, but not far to be an obsessive stalker. Now I know him a bit better, and I try to be friend with him, but I'm not sure if it would be a good idea to go to see him. He is also a bit graphic you know... he seems really turned on by me, and I wouldn't mind a little affair during a weekend around the lake, but on the same time, I don't want him to turn crazy about me...

and more of them

The pain was not normal. In fact, the dentist "forgot" to gave me antibiotics, and I got a mega infection, I stayed 5 days at the hospital because of his negligence. I could avoid the operation (they wanted to open my throat from the lower lip until the sternum to "remove" surgically the infection, because even 48 hours after they gave me the first massive dose of antibiotics, the infection was still growing, down to the airways). But finally they gave me another one and it started to work. I could go home today, but I still have to take medics for 2 weeks. No need to say that I'm never going to pay this dentist!

Doctors

I've seen a lot of them lately, and it is not the end... The last one I went to was the dentist. He removed one infected wisdom teeth on the lower jaw on Thursday, and since then I can't eat anything else than soup or yogurt, and it still hurts so much! I hope that it will go soon, because it's really horrible, I can't even sleep at night because of that, or only a few hours and then wake up because of the pain. The problem is that for an unknown reason, the pain killers, anesthesics etc. have no effect on me unless at a really big dose. The only thing that makes me feel a bit better is ice and clove. And of course, I look like a hamster... I have to go back in a few weeks to take two other teeth out, and then wait for the last one to go out. I'm looking forward :/

The other ones I saw were much more sympathical. I went to this party last week, given by a gay friend who lives with his boyfriend. I was told that some guys I met and I liked were to attend, and I knew that all the guys would be gay, and hoped I could maybe find someone interesting among them. I had the medicine student in mind, that I met at the hospital when I was working there. We never had time to speak at the hospital and I thought it would be a nice occasion to do so. But when I arrived, he was with two other doctors to be, and they were sticking to each other in a way that there was no way I could talk to one of them without taking the two others with us. I also wanted to determine wich one of them (if it was one) was single, because they were so close to each other, like sitting on each other lap etc.

After a moment, it annoyed me and I went to talk with some girls, and one of them, from what I was told, tried to hook up on me. I didn't notice anything of course :) She asked some of my friend if I was gay, and the gay doctors asked also to check if there was a possibility, but as I'm only out to a my best friends (although I never denied anything with the others) they said they didn't know, and it was the greatest confusion for everyone, and nobody dared to make a move on me. Definitely not the best strategy...

The party ended up with everyone singing musicals or dancing on Madonna (and you all know how much I love to dance) and I thought it was time to go. When going out I stumbled on wich was in fact our host, that had fainted because of too much cosmopolitans... I took care of him before going out, made him wake up, throw out (nice activity for a friday night!) and put him into bed after having brushed his teeth. I made sure someone was looking after him before going. So finally, nothing really interesting during this evening.

But! another doctor appeard a few days later, and I'm working on that... but no need to tell you all the story if it is to tell a few days later that it didn't work. I'm waiting to have some news from him. Pfff... the research for the beloved one is a long and hard task...